I believe memorization can have a place — but when it's the default mode of learning, it often bypasses the very thing we want to build: genuine understanding. From a nervous system perspective, rote learning under pressure (tests, performance, getting it "right") can actually activate a stress response. And a stressed brain isn't a learning brain — it's a surviving brain. Which is why kids can recite a poem perfectly and have zero connection to what it means. The skills you listed — self-awareness, values, critical thinking — require a felt sense of safety to develop. They can't be memorised. They have to be experienced. Not saying ditch poetry. But maybe the question isn't what we're memorising — it's why, and how, and whether the child is actually present for it or just performing.. And I've just read what @Paul Sirvinskas and I have to agree having worked in the sector myself, schools - especially mainstream seem to keep all children within certain parameters, clever enough but not exceptional. It is for ease of teaching and like Paul said churns out good workers.

@Andrew Nelson Our kids have their own rooms as their safe space, and the rest of the house is shared space — different rules apply. Their room is fully theirs. If it's safe and tidy, I respect it completely. They can decorate how they want, eat in there, self-regulate, chill, play — whatever they need. No judgment on how they use it. My kids are AuDHD with a PDA profile, so autonomy isn't just nice to have — it's essential. Having a space that's genuinely theirs, with no demands attached, makes a huge difference to their nervous system. The two boundaries are safe and tidy — and they matter. Tidy means no fire hazards, tripping risks, or week-old dishes growing their own ecosystem 😅. Safe means if they're in crisis, dysregulated, or at risk of hurting themselves, that overrides everything. The room being theirs doesn't mean I stop being their parent. It's amazing how much calmer things are when kids have somewhere that's genuinely theirs — free from pressure, criticism, or the need to perform. Just a place to exist.

@Andrew Nelson That non-judgement piece is so powerful — especially at that age when everything feels like a battle!! Something I've noticed with screens is that not all of them are doing the same thing neurologically. The endless scroll platforms — Reels, TikTok, YouTube Shorts — are genuinely designed to dysregulate. Dopamine hit, dopamine hit, dopamine hit, with no natural stopping point. They can leave kids more agitated, more demand-avoidant, more emotionally flat — not because they're addicted to screens, but because that particular format is working against their nervous system. But screens that involve *building* something? Completely different. Coding, game creation, world-building — those light up a different part of the brain entirely. There's autonomy, mastery, flow. For a lot of our kids, that's actually regulation disguised as a hobby. So rather than screen time vs no screen time, it might be worth exploring *what kind* of screen time — and seeing if there's a way to gently open a door toward the creative side. Not as a swap or a rule, just as an offering. Sometimes when they discover they can make the thing rather than just consume it, everything shifts. 💚

@Tina Saxena thanks

@Steven Bornstein thankyou!