Wanting to blame others was strong with this reflection. I could feel it. There has been definite progress and growth in my life, and I definitely wouldn’t have been able to do it alone, but at the same time I feel extremely stuck and like I’m just waiting for my kids to grow up to finally do the things I want to do or go to the places I want to go. Many days I’m just so mentally exhausted I just live on autopilot, doing the things I know that need to be done around the house and just living my life on repeat with the occasional fun day thrown in. Not that being at home can’t be fun, but it’s just every day same shit different day it feels like… and I’ve just kind of accepted it, figured when the kids grow up then I can focus on myself because right now I give so much to everyone else and manage everyone else else’s emotions that I just suppress mine usually until I either blow up or have a meltdown. This past year I’ve really tried to find things for my own that make me happy, but again that’s where the lack of discipline comes in is sometimes the thought of something just seems so exhausting that I will just end up doing nothing.