🧙 Barry Profiter and the Chamber of Low Conversions

Barry Profiter had barely survived his first chaotic day at Hogwash Affiliate Academy when disaster struck again.

He had just learned the ancient Copy-and-Paste Spell of Funnel Creation (which mostly involved pasting broken code into the wrong places) when Professor Bumbleblog summoned him to the Chamber of Low Conversions.

The Dreaded Chamber

The Chamber was rumoured to be filled with haunting echoes of marketers crying, “Why isn’t anyone buying?!” Dusty landing pages lined the walls, each one glowing faintly with headlines like:

“Click Here Now!”
“Buy This Thing!”
“Trust Me, I’m a Wizard.”

Every page had one thing in common: tumbleweed-level conversion rates.

Barry shivered. “Professor, why bring me here?”

Bumbleblog adjusted his crooked wizard hat.“Because, Barry, every affiliate wizard must face the Chamber. If you want to earn commissions, you must first learn why these poor souls failed.”

The Lesson of the Chamber

As Barry examined the ghostly landing pages, he realised something: none of them spoke to the reader. No clear value. No benefits. No trust. Just vague demands to “click” and “buy.”

Hermoney Granger popped out from behind a stack of abandoned autoresponders and scolded:“Honestly, Barry — conversions aren’t magic. You need a clear promise, proof, and a path forward. Without those, you’ll stay stuck in the Chamber forever.”

Barry scribbled notes on the back of his cracked laptop:

Promise: Tell people what they’ll get (not just what you’re selling).
Proof: Show results, testimonials, or even your own story.
Path: Make the next step stupidly obvious — one big shiny button is enough.

Bumbleblog nodded gravely. “Yes, Barry. Master these, and you’ll cast your first profitable spell. Ignore them, and Lord No-ROI will drain your commissions before they’re even earned.”

Barry’s Attempt

Eager to prove himself, Barry tried rewriting one of the doomed pages:

Original: “Buy My Amazing Ebook!”Barry’s Edit: “Discover the 3 spells to stop wasting money on ads (even if you’ve never cast a funnel before). Click here to start.”

To his shock, the dusty landing page lit up — a small spark of conversion magic.

“Blimey,” Barry whispered. “It actually worked!”

The Takeaway for Mugg—Marketers

The Chamber of Low Conversions teaches us this:

People don’t care about your product. They care about the result it gives them.

Every landing page should answer three questions: