🧙 Barry Profit-ter and His First Day at Hogwash Affiliate Academy

I looked at how to profit from something that's a bit of a craze right now, and while delving in to it I realised one marketer had tried something similar.

So I thought, "what can I do that's fun and a bit different?"

I'm now posting the Harry Potter spoof series to my ezine in the hope of making subscribers laugh while they get some good tips:

Dear Reader,

Barry Profit-ter had always suspected he was different. While other kids collected football stickers or played video games, Barry spent his evenings clicking through suspicious banner ads that promised:

“Make £10,000 before tea time! No skills required!”

Most people called it nonsense. Barry called it destiny.

And then, one morning, an owl (possibly moonlighting for Royal Mail) crashed into his living room and dropped a thick parchment envelope at his feet.

✉️ The Letter from Hogwash

*“Dear Mr Profit-ter,We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into the Hogwash Academy of Affiliate Wizardry.Please bring:

A working laptop (or at least one that turns on occasionally).
An overdrawn PayPal account.
A willingness to believe outrageous income claims.

Yours sincerely,Professor Bumbleblog (Headmaster).”*

Barry’s eyes widened. This was it. His escape from the soul-crushing drudgery of his day job, where even the photocopier earned more respect than he did.

🏰 Arrival at the Academy

When Barry first laid eyes on Hogwash Academy, he thought it looked a little… underwhelming. The grand towers were held up by expired domain names, and the great stone gates had a pop-up ad for “One Weird Trick to Triple Your Traffic.”

Inside, banners flapped from the ceiling, dividing students into their houses:

Clickendore – brave but gullible, forever chasing the next “secret system.”
List-er-in – diligent email marketers who whispered, “the money is on the list.”
Shinyclaw – obsessed with funnels, hacks, and the latest guru launches.
Refundlepuff – friendly, optimistic, but always broke after refund season.

Barry, of course, was sorted into Clickendore.

🧙 First Impressions

In the great hall, Barry met his fellow students:

Hermoney Granger – already buried in a book titled “SEO Sorcery for Beginners.”
Ron Weasellist – proudly waving a receipt for a £997 funnel course he’d bought that morning.
Neville No-Skills – who’d accidentally set fire to his autoresponder during induction.

At the head table sat Professor Bumbleblog, stroking his long white beard and mumbling:

“Remember, children—the money is on the list. Always… on… the list.”

Barry scribbled it down word for word.

🪄 The Curriculum

Barry was handed his timetable:

Defence Against Shiny Objects
Intro to Affiliate Alchemy
The Dark Arts of Paid Traffic
Potions & Pop-Ups
Email Enchantments: Open Rates Beyond Your Wildest Dreams

Barry’s head spun. Could he really master all this? He barely knew how to copy and paste an affiliate link.

🔮 The Whisper of Destiny

That night, as Barry unpacked his broken laptop in the dormitory, he felt a strange pull.Somewhere in this crumbling academy, hidden behind outdated landing pages and expired offers, was the key to his dreams.

The legendary Sorcerer’s Subscriber List.

They said it could turn even a bumbling beginner into a wizard of wealth.They said it had been lost for years.They said only a true affiliate of heart could unlock it.

Barry Profit-ter smiled nervously.“Piece of cake,” he whispered, before his laptop blue-screened for the third time.

✨ And so begins Barry’s adventure at Hogwash Affiliate Academy—a place full of big promises, dodgy upsells, and the occasional glimmer of real magic.

Stay tuned, dear reader, because next week Barry’s going to learn his very first spell:How to build a landing page without crying into your cornflakes.

Until then…Keep your wands charged and your Wi-Fi strong.

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