25d • The Sacred Circle
Well, I’m someone, aren’t I?
This is a piece I wrote last week in our Oracle Card Free-Writing Session. I'll be hosting another one on 02 September, which you can check out here Free-Writing | Oracle Card ✨
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Today, I pulled a card from Kris Carr’s oracle deck, Crazy Sexy Love Notes. It was one of the first oracle card sets ever gifted to me, and I still love it. I received the card ‘Listen’.
My first thought, quite angry, was, “I listen enough! Why doesn’t anyone listen to me?” I’ve been feeling particularly spicy mood-wise for the last week or so. Then I thought, “Well, I’m someone, aren’t I? Am I listening to myself?” If I'm being totally honest, of course the answer is no. Part of the reason I’ve been so bristly lately is because I haven’t been listening to myself. Or, OK, maybe the whole reason.
Overburdened, busy, busy, busy, concerned with everyone else. I’ve always done this—disappeared into the background of my To-Do list, trying to people-please my way out of taking responsibility for my own life. This month I turn 37. This entire year I’ve been thinking about what it would take for me to step into the next level of my life, and though I’ve put in some effort, it all fell a little flat. When I turned 36 I got a massive tattoo of a snake on my forearm; my way of saying '“Here I am and tough titties if you don’t like it.” I was so proud of myself for standing up to the voices in my head who have spent most of my life telling me we can’t do things like that. The voices who told me to lay low, take up less space, be normal, blend in, hide the weirdness.
Little did I know that making this external gesture was only the decree that would herald the deeper journey into allowing myself to be seen. And just as I am writing this, I realise that while I might have taken up the mantle at first, here I am a year later, faded right back into the place I’m most comfortable—the understudy waiting behind the heavy wings of the theatre curtains, not the one braving it all on the stage.
The second card that came out was ‘Stop Comparing’.
So who am I comparing myself to right now? Strangers on the Internet, or people from school I was never even friends with? Maybe even my loved ones who all seem to have it more together than I do? I think if I’m very honest, the person I compare myself to the most is me. Not this current version of me, or past me. Potential me. That person who isn’t just brimming with ideas, but is actively out in the world creating. Covered in paint, with crazy clothes and hair, talking about things that make other people say, “What the fuck is she talking about?” but also maybe, “I should be listening to her!” I compare myself to her fearlessness, her passion, her open-ness, and her ‘Devil-May-Care’ attitude. I envy the light the pours out of her, and the very lightness of her being. An unburdened, free, flourishing version of myself. I compare myself to her.
The card says to ‘Celebrate your quirks and kinks.’ Someone please tell me why that is so hard! I have often been a safe haven for others to take those first few tentative steps to expressing the version of them they imagined no one else would ever accept. Yesterday I thought about who I used to be as a child, how I was always a little different, and how that championed my drive to always fight for the underdog. So why do I run in fear from my own strangeness? Who will champion me? And again, I ask myself, “Well, I’m someone, aren’t I?”
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Well, I’m someone, aren’t I?
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