2d • Share a tip or hint
In Response to the Loss of a Loved One
Losing a loved one who has been a key part of your family is so hard. People will often say 'give it time' and I often want to say, 'Well, thanks, but I'm in such pain right now that time has been suspended and I don't feel any better and it's been (days, weeks, months) now.'
The bigger part of your family the person was the bigger the hole feels that is left. So, how do you deal with all of the thoughts, emotions, and questions that overwhelm you in a time of loss and grief?
Here's some things I have learned along the way having lost family members as well as every client/patient that I have had the privilege to serve.
In a society that doesn't like to discuss death and grief, allow yourself to grieve and acknowledge its reality. Don't try to stop yourself from 'feeling' your way through the days and weeks ahead. If you try to stuff it or ignore it, it will come back again at a future time when some future event triggers that flood of emotion.
Keep talking. Talk about your loved one, remember all the good things and even be willing to admit there were not so good things. No one is perfect and in keeping a balanced view of who our loved one was, how they lived their life, the impact they had on others, it helps to stay in touch with reality at a time when it feels like reality is too painful and overbearing to handle.
Get outside. Go for a walk, go ride a bike, go to one of your favorite places. Just go. Take an action that isn't huge but something that gets your body moving. Physical movement and exercise helps to clear and calm your whole body - including your brain. And, it let's your mental focus become unfocused(it lets your conscious mind take a break and let's your subconscious mind take over without you having to do the 'work' of thinking).
Put a memory book/video together with pictures, cards, mementos, and other special items or writings so you capture those key moments that are part of your memory of the person, what your current experience is and (this I believe is key) how having that person in your life helped to shape you and how you plan to honor your loved one in how you live your life going forward.
Lean into close family members and friends, but especially friends (those not emotionally tied to your loved one but tied to you). Let them know you don't need them to say the 'right words' or do the 'right things' at this moment - you just need them to be present, with you, listening, caring, walking alongside you, being quiet when you need quiet, talking when you need to talk (but they need to be listening more than talking), crying with you when you need to cry, making no judgements on how you seem to be doing (or not doing).
Be kind and gentle with yourself. Don't expect perfection or too much of anything from yourself right now. It's hard just getting through each day right now. So, just get through the moment, the hour, the day. Step at a time -- don't rush yourself through this part of the journey of loss and grief thinking you can or need to do "better." There is no one 'right' way to grieve and experience this part of the journey.
Find someone who will hug you. Just hug you. Not talk, not do anything - just hug you when you need human touch and need a good ol' bear hug. Hug the dog (dogs are great huggers), hug your spouse(maybe before you hug the dog..smilel), hug your kids, hug your siblings, hug your friends.
And, do I dare say? Give it time. Time is your friend. Don't make it your enemy. You need time to grieve, you need time to talk, you need time to share memories, you need time to gather your thoughts, you need time to gather memories, you need time to get through any necessary paperwork, you need to give yourself time.
Just some thoughts.
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In Response to the Loss of a Loved One
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