May 16 • General discussion
The One Burning In Me Inside
I wanted to take out the life that I knew- the one burning in me inside.
I wanted to save that little child- the one standing in the corner for hours at a time.
I spent my life in that suffering- what started as a lack of safety- turned into extreme mental suffering.
I was still highly functioning, even carrying 4 disorders simultaneously.
God really takes care of us.
All I had to do was deeply feel and stay connected to that child-
I had come so far out of her- was it enough now- to pursue her suffering?
When I stayed in my heart it was evident and true- that all of my life was really just to bring out the person she knew
The one that would save her if they’d been there when she was young
The one that would tell her she was beautiful, she was okay the way she was
The one that would tell her there was nothing wrong with her- she just had a very challenging environment
The one that would see her and know she was struggling
How I would Have given anything to save her suffering
From that moment, life became an attempt to relieve her- every moment a grasping to alleviate her
There was no end to the climb for decades- for an entire decade there was no light- it was the dark Night
And when we came out we would never enter the dark again-
Now came even Greater Darkness but we were the Light-
Now carrying even more disorders, even more challenge, yet clearer in insight
Tremendously Profound, Wise Beyond Time
Mingling with the Wrong People who were no where near her Sight
Oh the things We Do When We’re Blind
It took Decades to Come Out of Her Completely
It took an entire Lifetime to see Her Clearly
To Come out- Thought by Thought- and integrate 4 disorders simultaneously
And to Realize Truly there was Never Anything Wrong
She Just Had a Difficult Hand and an Environment that Didn’t Match Her
She Just Had No one to See Her
I fought tooth and Nail for that little Girl-
I carried her with me and suffered her suffering for years on out
Never seen, Never connected, Alone in a world of Emotion
That Capacity to Feel ultimately became a Mountain to climb out
Of the Worse Neural Programming- one Great Attempt to Cope with an extraordinary depth of Feeling
That Had Gone so Wrong Early On
I carried her with me until the day came where I sat day and night with her- all of her shame, all of her pain
And Healed her repeatedly for months on end
Culminating in Years
What I solved I don’t know if any other being Has
I just know the evidence is who I am
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The One Burning In Me Inside
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