12d • 🔨 The Work
Build Your Own Question Ritual
How to turn the Post-It note practice into something that belongs to the two of you.
Tuesday I said you don’t choose someone once. You keep choosing them, on ordinary days, in small ways nobody sees. That’s easy to agree with and hard to actually do. Believing in something doesn’t make it a habit.
So here’s the practical side. For us, the choosing happens through questions. It started with a post-it note Kunbi wrote a few weeks after we met. It’s now something we do almost every day: one real question, back and forth. we are married now, but we are still asking.
You don’t need our list, or our schedule. You need a ritual that fits the two of you. Here’s how to build one.
Step One: Agree on Why You’re Doing It
Before you pick a single question, have a short conversation about the point.
It isn’t to fix anything. It isn’t to test each other. It’s to keep knowing the person you’re with while they keep changing. Say that out loud to each other. If one of you walks in thinking it’s a check-up and the other thinks it’s a date, it’ll feel off the first night.
One sentence is enough. “We’re doing this so we don’t drift.” Write it somewhere you’ll both see it.
Step Two: Pick a Time That Already Exists
Rituals that need a new slot in your day die fast. Attach it to something you already do together.
The drive home. The last ten minutes before sleep. Sunday coffee. The walk after dinner. A phone call if you’re long distance.
Start small. Once a week is fine. One question is fine. A ritual you keep for a year beats a big plan you drop by the third week.
Step Three: Build Your First List Together
This is where it becomes yours instead of ours.
Each of you writes five questions on your own. Don’t compare until you’re done. Then swap and read. Some will be light. Some will surprise you. Pay attention to the ones that surprise you. They tell you what your partner has been wanting to talk about.
A few kinds of questions to mix in:
- Looking back. “What’s a moment from your childhood you think about more than you’d expect?”
- Right now. “What’s taking up the most room in your head this week?”
- Looking ahead. “What do you want our life to look like in five years that it doesn’t look like now?”
- About us. “When did you feel most on the same team with me this month?”
Put the list on a post-it, in your notes app, in a jar on the counter. Where it lives doesn’t matter. That it’s shared does.
Step Four: Set the Rules for How You Answer
This part matters more than the questions.
Both people answer. It’s back and forth, not an interview.
Listen to understand, not to respond. Ask one follow-up before you share your own answer.
No fixing. If your partner shares something hard, you don’t have to solve it tonight. “Thank you for telling me” is a full answer.
Anyone can pass. Passing is allowed. Just come back to it later, and say when.
Step Five: Let It Grow
Our post-it didn’t stay a post-it. Kunbi started it, I kept adding to it, and it turned into something much bigger than either of us planned. Yours should grow too.
When an answer opens something up, write down the next question it raises. When life changes, a new job, a move, a baby, a loss, add questions for that season. Every few months, look at the list and cross off what no longer fits. The list should change as you do. That’s the whole point.
Try It This Week
Pick one night. Pick one question. Ask it, answer it, and listen.
You’ll probably feel a little awkward. That’s normal. It gets easier fast. What you’re building isn’t a conversation. It’s a habit of turning toward each other on purpose, which is what choosing someone again actually looks like on a normal Tuesday.
If you want a head start, the FBF Conversation Deck has 100 questions across 10 areas of life, all traced back to that first post-it. But you don’t need it to begin. A pen and a sticky note got us here.
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Build Your Own Question Ritual
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