Mar 26 • General
A note I found from 2023 (when I separated from my fiance and traveled for the first time)
What have I learned on this journey?
(A summary of Thailand)
It all started with me and Emma separating. Without going into details, it was chaos, like a world war.
For a long time, I had been processing the idea of breaking up with Emma, because I felt that she should be with someone who could give her more joy than I had been able to the past year.
For years, I’ve been drawn to the idea of going abroad and just saying “fuck it,” but I’ve always seen it as an escape behavior, and because of that I’ve fought against my own intuition with “reasonable thinking.”
Then, when me and Emma separated, in the middle of all the chaos, depression, stress, anxiety attacks, drugs… I found a sense of calm in my soul after a session with a healer in Bollnäs named Jonny, who I asked for advice about going abroad.
During that session, it felt like someone was speaking to me from the other side, telling me to go.
The idea of just packing my things and leaving was terrifying to me, but I sat down with Emma on the couch and told her the truth. I needed to get away. Not to escape, but to face myself, to face my intuition, and to live my own truth.
You see, I have never lived my own truth, because I have never interpreted my own truth as something good. I was judged from the beginning.
That’s what happens when you grow up in a small town. You never form your own identity. People do it for you.
Because I never saw my own truth as something good, I’ve always been shaped by other people who I thought were living a better truth than me. They had a better reputation, more money, and seemed to live life in a more honorable way than I had managed to achieve.
The problem with never living your own truth is that you never learn to love yourself for who you actually are.
You end up hating that part of yourself, even though it’s just as present now as it was then. And if you never love yourself, you are never capable of loving another person. You might think you do, but your understanding of love is distorted.
You compromise too much.
You adapt too much.
You go against your gut feeling just to make other people happy, and that is not sustainable.
It’s like a balloon being filled with air until it bursts. And when it bursts, it explodes loudly. That’s exactly what happened.
You think you’re being considerate, you use phrases like “happy wife, happy life,” but the truth is that it’s actually selfish not to think about yourself.
Because your partner falls in love with a version of you that isn’t really you.
Sure, some parts are real. Your warmth, your safety, your kindness, all of that is you.
But you don’t do what you truly want, because you always have your partner in mind when making decisions. And it becomes toxic.
You even lose your own identity, which is desperately trying to hold on during the process of becoming a “better” person.
And along with that, you lose your joy for life.
I wasn’t a fun partner this past year. Maybe not even the year before that.
But now, I’ve rediscovered parts of myself I didn’t even know still existed. And I love every second of it.
I love to dance.
I love interacting with wise, beautiful souls and learning more about myself and them.
Before I left, that was a big no for me.
I’ve truly gained a new perspective on life. A new spark.
So what have I learned?
I’ve learned to let go of everything, and realized that yes, everything works out in the end.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it in the moment, like when you miss a ferry, a new door always opens that was probably meant for you.
Let go of control, and let the universe guide you to where you’re meant to go.
Your destination and your journey might not be written in stone, but there is something up there watching over you that wants the best for you.
Everyone who enters your life does so at exactly the right time, so that you can learn from each other.
Live in day-tight compartments.
You don’t see the finish line? Do you see your next step? Then just take the next step.
Because for the wise, every day is a new life.
The world is beautiful. People are beautiful. And every culture has its own strengths.
It is healthy to be alone.
To be alone with your thoughts, to reflect, to embrace solitude, and to understand that nothing good comes from feeling good all the time. You don’t grow there.
Leave the sidelines and step into the game.
Life is a game, and you can’t just stand there watching. Get in and play, based on your intuition, not the intuition you’ve been programmed to feel throughout your upbringing.
Judge not, and you shall not be judged.
We all have skeletons in our closet, but I want to believe that we all want the same thing, to feel a sense of belonging to something during the short time we get here on earth.
Everyone has different preferences and different things that make them feel good.
Let people do what they want, and you will clearly see who they are, and then you can decide whether that person adds value to your life.
Start loving yourself.
You will spend 90 percent of your life alone with yourself.
When those thoughts come and you treat yourself badly, ask yourself:
“Would I want to be friends with this person?”
If the answer is no, then you probably need to go on a “find yourself” journey.
Whether that journey is within you, or whether you need to go to Thailand for 20 days, only your intuition can answer that.
We will all die one day.
We will be forgotten.
Do whatever you want with the time you’ve been given here on earth.
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A note I found from 2023 (when I separated from my fiance and traveled for the first time)
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