3d • General discussion
When one parent or ex chooses to tear the other down publicly
There’s another side to this story that doesn’t get talked about as gently.
Sometimes, instead of holding the truth quietly,
one parent or ex spouse does the opposite.
They tell their version loudly.
Repeatedly.
To friends. Family. Coworkers. New partners. Even the children.
They share details that don’t belong to the audience.
They frame themselves as the victim and the other as the villain.
They recruit people into their pain.
And from the outside, it can look convincing.
This behavior rarely comes from strength.
It usually comes from fear.
Fear of losing control of the narrative.
Fear of being seen clearly.
Fear of sitting alone with their own accountability.
Fear of the truth being told.
For some, tearing the other person down is a way to regulate their nervous system.
It’s quick damage control.
If everyone agrees with them, they feel safer.
If everyone is angry at you, they don’t have to feel their own guilt, shame, or grief.
That doesn’t make it okay.
But it does make it human.
Why people do this
Some are trying to protect their ego.
Some are trying to justify their actions to themselves.
Some feel abandoned and want others to feel their pain too.
Some have never learned how to process conflict privately or with integrity.
And some genuinely believe their story will protect them.
Can there be forgiveness for this kind of behavior?
Sometimes.
But forgiveness does not mean access.
Forgiveness is an internal process.
Boundaries are an external requirement.
You can understand why someone does this
without allowing them to continue harming you or innocent people.
Forgiveness may come after accountability.
After behavior changes.
After time.
And sometimes, forgiveness looks like emotional neutrality
not reconciliation.
If you choose not to retaliate
Not retaliating does not mean doing nothing.
It means choosing containment over chaos.
It can look like:
• Speaking the truth only to those who can hold it responsibly
• Correcting misinformation once, calmly, and then disengaging
• Refusing to defend yourself to people committed to misunderstanding you
• Modeling emotional regulation for your children
• Letting your consistency become your credibility
Protecting innocent people, especially children, often means allowing the louder person to burn themselves out while you remain steady.
That is not weakness.
That is restraint.
Other options someone may choose
Sometimes boundaries alone are not enough.
Some people choose:
• Legal support when defamation, harassment, or parental alienation is present
• Mediation or structured communication tools
• Parallel parenting instead of co parenting
• Therapy or coaching to process the anger without spilling it publicly
• Documentation instead of confrontation
And some choose to speak the truth strategically
not emotionally
not reactively
but intentionally, when silence begins to cause harm.
There is no single correct path.
There is only this question:
What protects your peace, your children, and your integrity long term?
If you are someone who chose restraint over retaliation
who protected others while being misrepresented
who refused to become who they accused you of being
I see that strength too.
You don’t have to destroy someone else to stand in your truth.
If this resonates, you can find more of my work here on my page. And if you need help with this, message me.
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When one parent or ex chooses to tear the other down publicly
