Fear is a Portal.
In my experience, I have found that what I reject out of fear is actually a portal that I’m supposed to walk through.
I was taught that fear is something negative. That I’m not supposed to walk toward, but something to avoid.
So, I avoided all the parts of myself that I was told to hate. My shadows. Even things I felt in my soul were truth, I avoided because of what someone else might think of me. Or because it challenged things I’d learned throughout my life.
I harbored deep loathing for myself because I pretended to be what others expected me to be while desiring to simply be myself.
As I reflect on my life this beautiful Becoming morning, I can clearly see where facing fears in the past was what I needed to do, but I pushed it away. And that portal would come back around. Over and over until I surrendered to it.
Whether the fear was around religion, being too much, being not enough, detox, healing, magick, or sex, everything I suppressed has found another way to come forward.
What I’ve learned through my own experience is that if I encounter something that I fear, I might automatically dismiss it. But I usually catch myself and reframe it to: I’m not ready for this today.
This leaves the door open to explore later when it might begin to resonate.
I use this photo because I have an enormous fear of roller coasters. Yes, I went on this coaster. No, I did not think it was fun. But my hubby did. You can see him at the back of the train. Having the time of his life.
I found that there were coasters I enjoyed. Because I experienced them. Instead of standing outside of them, I dove in and rode them. It was okay to like some and not others… at this time. But there may be a day where I can love them all.
The same stimulus that I fear is something loved by someone else. It’s not about the content of the fear, it’s about the internal reason for the resistance. Following the thread of the fear back as far as you can see it will help you understand why it’s even there.
In facing my fears, of all kinds, I have uncovered parts of myself that kept me feeling incomplete. Im not broken, but I was excluding facets of myself that fractured the light I was shining out into the world. Once I became aware of them, I could then consciously heal and bring myself into tighter alignment with who I truly am beneath all the masks I’ve learned to wear for the comfort of others.
You can learn all the things. But until you start living those things, experiencing those things, you will set yourself up for failure. You can’t only study the fluffy stuff and reject the shadows. Well, you can, but it won’t open new doors for yourself. Within that portal of fear lies your most guarded treasures of yourself. To avoid your fears is to reject the best parts of you. All the parts the world needs but taught you to cover up.
Most will never enter. Life will continue to feel hard, complicated, or lonely. You will cry about being stuck. You will see yourself as a victim. You will blame everyone and everything good for you because you refuse to take responsibility.
My hubby and I watch the show “Survivor”. Last week’s episode involved a huge twist and there was only one man in 10 that embraced the fear of failing. He had to flip a coin and that result either excluded him from the tribe or made him untouchable AND doubled the prize money at the end of the game for any of those 10 that might make it there. It wasn’t just about saving himself, it was also about giving a gift to the collective.
He flipped the coin. He got it right. Instead of cowering on the benches, he walked through the portal of rejection and saved himself while giving a million dollar gift to the whole. It was beautiful to watch and carried a big message for me. I have portals to walk through. Portals to save myself so that I can give the ultimate gift to my tribe. ❤️
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Fear is a Portal.
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