Jun 4 (edited) • General Discussion
Writing For No-One
I decided to turn my phone on Airplane Mode and write whatever came to my head. This is what I wrote:
June Fourth 2025 (37 minutes)
What am I without Chris? What am I when I'm alone? Who am I when I have no one to talk to, to laugh with, to do things with? Am I only as good as my company? Who am I? What do I do when there's no expectations? What is my future? Am I an artist who wants to live on my work? Do I really want to take care of old people for a living, or do I want to stay at Lowe's for the rest of my life? What am I good at?
I know I'm good at art and crafts and camera work and taking care of kids and being friendly and loving others and forgiving and helping and being funny. I know I like my art. I know I love everyone, even the most evil of people. I feel empty, though. I feel like the only thing that can fill this longing is people. I do go to Jesus. I do go to God, but I'm in pain as well as hopelessness and numbness. When I go to God, I feel happy for a time, but then I'm empty again. I pray and say how grateful I am With all sincerity, but then, after, I feel empty.
Why am I in pain? Why do I feel empty? Why do I feel like I am nothing and everything all at once? Am I codependent on everyone? Is that why I'm such a people person? Why do I feel lonely and empty when I'm alone on doing nothing?
I love dancing. I love singing. But it all seems for naught as if I'm immune to God's fullness of life. I know I'm going to heaven, but why do I feel pain and sorrow when He gave me life? I feel alone yet I know and believe that God is with me. Why do I feel so empty even after this? Why am I crying right now?
It's like I'm strangling the arms of my friends and coworkers so they don't leave. It's like they give me purpose and meeting. Why can't I feel full and satisfied with my relationship with the Lord? I love him. I want to please him. I am honored to be chosen, yet I find myself weary and empty and hurting.
Why do I always want someone to hold me? Why do I always feel like I want to cry when I dig deep into my thoughts?
I may be smiling. I may be laughing, playing and making jokes, but, when I think hard, all I want to do is cry. I feel inadequate. What is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? Why is Jesus not enough? Why do I feel like he's not giving me purpose? Why do I feel so much pain? Why? Why God?
" I know you love me, Lord. So why do I feel so lost when I also know you're the only way to joy and peace? God I seek to please you and I know that when I please you I meant to feel satisfaction. I know I'm saved so why do I feel this way? I know there's no mistakes you made when making me, so why do I feel like I am not me?"
I hold on to Chris. I hold on to anyone who will give me attention. I trust so easily. I love so quickly. I forgive so unbelievably.
I'm stuck in a cycle, but I don't know what it is and I don't know how to break it. After I broke up with him I died. I feel myself with the word, but then I go back to my lustful ways. How do I fix this? How do I change when I feel like my change means nothing cuz I feel like I am nothing anyway?
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Writing For No-One
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