im done · Rishab Academy

im done

this is long and i sound like a baby, but im stressed, man. im scared. how on earth do you people cope with the sheer amount of stuff there is in a calm and effective manner, and actually do something with yourselves?? take now for example. im a sophomore. ap exams, i've got a ton of work to do for chem prep, I'm planning my summer, i want to read books, exercise, and learn more about college apps. i thought i had it figured out until this year i got two trimesters of Cs in ap chem whereas before i was a straight A student. i was super stretched thin, and this is the first time i've been able to think about extracurriculars. i've given this same rant to myself thousands of times, but with no answers. i reworked all of my extracurricular plans, and i have this giant whiteboard in my room filled with extracurriculars like ISEF and UCSD research internships that i've found interesting, yet i've found no time to look into. it stares at me every day like a sad reflection of my overwhelmedness, my being scatter brained, finding a hundred different things to pursue but not getting anywhere with any of them because, oh, i found them too late, or it's a huge multi step process to even get anywhere, which takes too much goddamn time and that's something i don't have. i feel like i should've gotten this figured out by 5th grade. it's really frustrating. MIT looks for quirky students who build stuff for fun. i wish i could build stuff for fun. you'd be surprised by the amount of stuff i haven't done than the stuff i have. i watch other kids intimidating maker portfolios in my free time, and i really don't think this is meant for me. there's no way, that that kid can build this spaceship with a remote controlled app, while balancing school, clubs, and eating and sleeping healthy and working out. i don't think it's meant for me if the competition does this stuff for fun. you don't have to just do this stuff, you've to do it and do well. at some point, do i just drop out, code an app, and sell it for millions? there's no way you expect me to do this stuff for fun and be quirky while balancing all of this stuff. it feels like every step of the way, i find a cool extracurricular, scroll through a bunch of youtube videos on it for an hours, realize it's way out of my league(because it needs a ridiculous amount of time:an application that's super competitive that needs awards I DONT HAVE because I'm a sophomore, bout to be a junior) and go back to my chem homework like a loser. what's even going on? i don't think this is meant for me. is this what "hard" really feels like? because i'm getting nothing done and i've got ap exams. do i focus on new stuff like isef? do i stick to some passion project ideas that could make me stand out in a maker portfolio? his can i stick to my own path when i don't have a path and the cliche routes to making one are way out of my league?

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