My non-approach of the day
I planned to do one approach today — and I didn’t do it.
On the surface, there were practical reasons: it was snowing hard, extremely cold, Tuesday evening, very low volume of people. I maybe saw one or two girls I found attractive. But the truth is, those were just conditions my mind used to justify inaction.
What actually happened was fear.
I noticed that I keep waiting for the “right internal state” before approaching — some feeling of confidence, attraction, clarity, or calm. And even when I tell myself I don’t need that state and should just go anyway, my mind immediately fires back:
“If you go now, it’ll be awkward. You’ll embarrass yourself. You’ll feel shame again.”
At that point, I freeze.
So instead of approaching, I decided to just walk around and look at girls I found interesting and stay with whatever came up in my body. And it’s always the same pattern: the moment I see a girl, fear hits instantly. No attraction. No curiosity. Just fear.
When I stay present with it, the fear comes in waves — up, down, up again. During the down moments, I feel slightly more relaxed, but then it spikes again and I’m frozen, waiting for a “better emotion” to appear before I act.
Another thing I noticed: my mind starts telling me the reward isn’t worth the risk.
“She’s not that attractive.”
“You don’t even like her.”
“Why put yourself through rejection for this?”
Looking at it honestly, that’s just another way fear keeps me inactive.
Then there’s another layer: authenticity.
If I imagine approaching anyway, my mind says:
“Your opener won’t be authentic. You don’t feel attraction in your body. You’ll sound mechanical. She’ll reject you immediately.”
At that point, my mind pulls up memories of past rejections, and I shut down completely.
All of this traces back to one core thing: fear of rejection — and fear of being exposed as I am.
There’s a deep belief running in the background that I’m broken or wrong. I noticed this especially while sitting in the metro. I saw a girl — tall, blonde, nice skirt — and I was completely paralyzed. Not because of attraction, but because of this silent belief: “I can’t approach because there’s something wrong with me.”
I asked myself: What if I wasn’t broken? What if everything was actually okay?
And immediately, my body calmed down. I could look at her while relaxed and present.
I still didn’t approach — because the fear of rejection came right back — but that moment felt important. It showed me how much this “I am broken” belief is constantly running in the background to protect me from social pain.
So even though I didn’t do an approach today, I don’t see this as a failure. I feel like I clearly identified what’s blocking me.
And the conclusion I’m coming to is this: one approach a day isn’t enough.
I think I need volume. Three, four, five approaches a day — even forced ones. Not to be smooth, not to be present, not to be authentic — but to build the reflex of going anyway.
I need to show my mind that:
– even if I freeze
– even if it’s awkward
– even if I get rejected
– even if I feel shame
…I can handle it.
There’s no perfect internal state coming. No clean emotional alignment. No moment where fear disappears first. The work is going through the fear, not waiting for it to leave.
Even if it’s messy. Even if it’s imperfect. Even if I don’t feel ready.
That’s it. I’ll report my 5 approaches to you guys tomorrow.
1
1 comment
My non-approach of the day
powered by
skool.com/out-of-your-head-7076
Learn how to tap into authentic self-expression, removing pressure, overthinking, and self-doubt, so confidence, clarity, and action can emerge easily
Suggested communities
Powered by