Apr 18 • General discussion
When the mind says “I absolutely must do well,” reality usually disproves it
One thing I find very useful in weight loss and maintenance is to take some of these rigid “must” thoughts and test them a bit more seriously.
People often say things like:
“I absolutely must stay on plan today.”
“I absolutely must not have cravings.”
“I absolutely must lose weight this week.”
“I absolutely must handle food well all the time.”
At first, those thoughts can sound strong and motivating. But when you look at them more closely, they usually do not fit reality very well.
There is a simple way to challenge them.
If I really absolutely must perform perfectly around food, then it should follow that I will, in fact, perform perfectly under all circumstances. But that is clearly false. I already have examples where I did not. I have had overeating, emotional eating, setbacks, or weeks where things did not go as planned.
And once that is true, the rigid conclusion starts falling apart.
Because if there is even one real case where I did not perform perfectly, then the idea that I absolutely must perform perfectly does not hold up very well. It may be very desirable that I do well, it may be strongly preferable, it may matter a lot to me. But that is different from saying I absolutely must.
I think this matters because a lot of suffering in weight loss comes from turning preferences into demands.
It makes sense to want to stay on plan, to want the scale to move, to want to handle cravings better, to want maintenance to go smoothly.
But when the mind upgrades all of that into “this must happen,” trouble usually follows.
Because now, if reality does not cooperate, the person does not just feel disappointed. They feel outraged, panicked, ashamed, or hopeless. The whole thing becomes heavier than it needs to be.
That is one reason I think disputing these rigid thoughts is so useful.
For example, if I tell myself, “I absolutely must not regain weight,” reality can challenge that very quickly. Bodies fluctuate, water fluctuates, appetite fluctuates, life fluctuates. There may be periods where I do regain a bit, or where maintenance is messier than I wanted. That does not prove I am doomed. It proves that reality is more complex than the demand I placed on it.
The same goes for cravings.
If I say, “I absolutely must not want this food,” the obvious problem is that I do sometimes want it. So the demand is already colliding with reality. A more workable position would be something like: “I strongly prefer not to act on this craving right now, but I do not have to erase the craving in order to handle it well.”
That is a much more usable thought.
I think this is one of the deeper patterns in REBT-style work that helps a lot in weight loss and maintenance. A rigid “must” often sounds powerful, but the empirical world usually does not support it. Real life tends to show us pretty quickly that people do not always perform well, do not always feel motivated, do not always eat ideally, and do not always move in a straight line. Once you see that clearly, the demand becomes easier to question.
And that does not make you weaker. It usually makes you steadier.
Because now you can say something more realistic:
“I very much want to do well today, and I will try.”
“I would rather not overeat, but I am still capable of recovering if I do.”
“I want weight loss, but I do not need the scale to obey me on a perfect schedule.”
“I want maintenance to go well, but I do not need every week to feel easy.”
That kind of thinking is not flashy, but it tends to work better.
It leaves room for effort, responsibility, learning, and correction, without adding the extra burden of pretending reality must always match our wishes.
- Costin Liculescu
Mindset Over Menu
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When the mind says “I absolutely must do well,” reality usually disproves it
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