Jul '24 (edited) • The Bonfire 🔥
Day 2 Homework
Have you ever fully experienced how it feels like to have courage? When you are about to go a different path you have never went before. Courage is when you can be full of fear but you go anyways.
Maybe you have always wanted to be a painter. But you learned from your parents that this is not profitable and safe, that it will not make you happy. Therefore you forgot about writing and decided to become a lawyer, earning good money and reputation. You have a nice home and a lovely family. You are safe and comfortable and have everything one could dream of.
But recently whenever you lie in your bed you feel drained and it feels like something is missing. Even during the day you seem to miss some energy. And you wonder: What is going on?!
Then one day your mother give you some of your old stuff she was about to throw away. In it you find a a letter you wrote as child when you were in 4th grade. In it you share your dream about becoming a famous painter who creates beautiful pictures of the worlds you used to dream of. The letter also contains a painting full of colours.
You are staring at this letter for a while. And then you can feel it-a deep longing to do what you always wanted. The urge to grab a piece of paper and water colors befalls you. Therefore you head to the living room- gathering a sheet and and the colors your children use at school.
You are looking at the white sheet sensing this deep longing. But nothing would come up. You feel this deep resistance within you like a wall that stands between you and the painting that you wanted to create.
Voices in your head start telling you: "What do you think you are doing. You are not creative anymore. You can't do anything. Just forget about it. This is just silly. A childish thing."
You don't realize that these are the voices of your parents you have internalized. Voices you have come to believe. You don't know yet that it is not true what they are saying.
Therefore you sit there, frozen - mind turned blank.
Frustration arises and your clench your teeth together and tears flood you eyes. You know this is what you always wanted, but at the same time you can't do it.
You hear the sound of footsteps coming closer- it is your son. You blush as he is looking at the blank sheet and the colors.
"What are you doing mom?"
The voice in your head adds "He probably thinks this is foolish".
"Nothing sweetheart. I thought maybe you want to paint a little together. But maybe later."
You are about to pack the stuff up. But instead of putting it where it came from you just set it beside together keeping it closer to you.
During the next days you look at these things again and again. It makes you wonder: What happened that you can't even paint a single picture where you would paint for ours as a child. You feel the loss.
One evening you take courage and tell your family about your situation and your former dream. You are afraid that they will laugh about it or dismiss it. Therefore you voice is stiff and shallow as you talk about it, your heart racing. You end your speech with: "I think I want to be a painter again. I have no talent and no experience, but I want to try."
Instead of laughing or dismissing they look at you with joy and compassion. They start to discuss how you could start with painting again. Your son tells you he wants to paint with you and your partner says he knows a nice art course you could attend to to improve your skills.
What you thought would end up badly turned into a moment of connection and support.
You had the courage to talk about your desire even though it scared you.
Therefore and with their support you start to paint again. Step by step. You even begin to notice the judgment in you. That it is something that is constraining you. You find that there are other people who have the same struggle as you do.
You decide to come together to create art. You find courage together and slowly you find back to you former creativity. Your resistances melt and joy unfolds.
This is the gift of willing to go despite of fear. This is the gift of sharing yourself with others.
If you want to take courage to unbury what was once clear to you, if you want help on your path, share this and comment with: I want to have courage.
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Day 2 Homework
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