Feb 6 • General discussion
To think for oneself
I used to consider myself a free thinker because I was godless- and viewed anyone who associated with the term God as a sheep who was being culled by the shepherd that is the church. Today- though I still recognize the church as misguided doctrine, certainly; I sit comfortably between the parables of these two worlds, having experienced the extremes of both sides. You see, in the realm of thought, especially surrounding atheism- there are no free thinkers. The concept itself was derived from a source, and this concept had to gain traction among individual groups and grow as a seed in the collective consciousness to be recognized and "peer-reviewed" by other logic-driven thinkers. So therein, we establish that to think for oneself, truly- we can not listen to abstract opinions that lack direct experience and context. The very nature of the existing concept implies individuals that have adopted this belief actually did no thinking at all. They discovered an already existing concept, and adopted it as a part of their personality because most have not had direct experience with the divine. If one's life has been mundane and has not pushed the individual to the threshold of human emotion; of course they would scoff at the Divine Idea. How does one convince another to see magic where they have experienced none?
When I was 28 I experienced a loss that flipped my world upside down, and completely changed the direction of my life. At this point- I had found stoicism, and was heavily aligned with the concept of divinity; though I had not yet realized I am that I am. I was still externalizing my own divinity to a source outside myself. However, following the break up, a steady decline in my mothers health, and the loss of my career up to that point- I hit a wall. Or the floor, I suppose. Carl Jung describes this floor as the process of Individuation. The Dark Knight of the Soul. It is recognized as the soul's initiation into it's higher calling. It led me to 10x my meditation practice for nearly two years, in almost complete social isolation. Following this, I chased my divinity and drove 5500km across country in my VW Jetta with my husky to the Fraser Valley in beautiful British Columbia, where I spent another year and a half or so continuing my practice in the mountains whilst pushing my musical abilities, nurturing my body, growing my discography, and sharpening my brand. (This is coming full circle I promise.)
During this time my dialogue with God was 24/7. As the saying goes, "he who knocks shall be answered", and the answer was deafening. My life had become a 24/7 open conversation with my own divinity; it cost me everything I had. In a series of events that were truly biblical in proportion:
- the work I was promised by my union never came through
- the government rebuked financial support
- kicked out of union
- car got repo'd
- lost literally every single belonging I owned trying to survive (furniture, guitars, music studio, lifelong belongings from my childhood- you name it!)
- every bill I had began bouncing
- lost connectivity to the outside world because no money = no phone
- had to put my best friend of twelve years down because I couldnt afford his healthcare as he aged
- I ate nothing but two/three eggs and president's choice spicy mustard (still GOAT'd) a day, for nearly eight months straight at one point
- slept on a sleeping bag and my yoga mat for more than a year
- lining up at shelters and foodbanks to get food when I could
- Mom an unconscious vegetable back home with dementia (bless her angelic soul)
- and all the while the friends Id thought who would help me, simply were not present
I could extend that list but hopefully you get it. My decision to pursue God over what rational thinking was telling me cost me my entire life. L I T E R A L L Y.
(Still getting there I promise...)
*inject direct experience of God*
It was during this time where I had absolutely nothing and nobody, that divinity itself performed what can only be described as an array of profound miracles to keep me alive. (aside from the ones that kept me alive when I wasn't holy). I was completely sober, but experiencing states of pure nirvana for months at a time. My consciousness had shifted from what I was losing, to what I had. Me. Blissed out to the fucking max. Because my old identity that was attached to everything I had lost, had been shed. My nice car, my gorgeous ex, the money in the bank, my social image, etc etc. All the things that were attached to who the world convinced me I was SUPPOSED to be. They meant nothing, and I would have never learned the true innate value of MYSELF if that which is divine did not strip me bare to my bones and take everything away. So it was in this isolation that I gained DIRECT experience with divinity.
I would never have had that experience, if not for losing everything that I thought I needed to be valued as a man. I would never have realized how incredibly gifted I am musically had I not leaned into Him. I would never have found the strength to become the sober minded, integral man I am today had I not retreated within to the temple of the divine. This is what it means to truly think for oneself. It is much less about thinking, and more about feeling... They say trust your gut/follow your heart/trust your intuition. And 90% of people say "ya I shouldve stuck to my gut feeling" after making a "logical" decision that backfires. Your intuition is the voice of that which draws your breath. The path will be far scarier as it unfolds, but my God is it exciting- and my God, is it fulfilling.
All of this to say, question everything; especially people who speak in absolutes. We can not experience magick if we close ourselves off from its possibility...
Godspeed
~ Grim
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To think for oneself
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