30d (edited) โข General discussion
Just Me, My Feelings, and a Little Bit of Yapping ๐
Hey everyone,
After my previous post about my presentation, I realized there was something else I wanted to say.
The presentation itself was important, but what I was really trying to explain was something much bigger than those 45 minutes standing in front of a classroom. So this is probably going to be a little bit of heart-to-heart yapping. First of all, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to be part of this community. I'm probably one of the youngest people here, or at least one of the youngest, and yet I've never felt out of place. Honestly, this space feels incredibly comfortable and welcoming to me, almost family-like. I'm genuinely happy to be your maknae, haha. I know that sometimes I can be a little bit crazy, overly emotional, or completely lose my mind over artists, as you have probably already noticed ๐
. There are moments when I'm basically the definition of a fangirl who has absolutely no self-control over her emotions, and I apologize if that ever becomes too much. But at the same time, that's just me being passionate about the things and people that bring me joy. The truth is, there is a reason for that. Music, and K-pop in general, helped put me back together when I was falling apart. The groups I love are much more than just artists to me. Their music, stories, messages, and even individual lyrics became something I held onto during some of the most difficult periods of my life. &TEAM taught me that I do not have to be perfect because I never will be. None of us will. What matters is continuing to move forward, even when life gets difficult, even when we fail, and even when we feel lost. They reminded me that growth is not about perfection. It is about refusing to give up, getting back up every time life knocks you down, and continuing to walk forward despite your fears. That is why their message, "We are doing the impossible," means so much to me. Because what seems impossible today can become reality tomorrow if we refuse to stop moving forward. Sometimes the impossible is not winning an award or achieving a dream. Sometimes the impossible is surviving another difficult day. Speaking up despite anxiety. Believing in yourself after years of self-doubt. Or choosing hope when life gives you every reason not to. And somehow, little by little, we keep doing the impossible every day. ENHYPEN taught me to fight for myself and keep chasing my dreams despite the obstacles life throws in my path. Their journey constantly reminds me that fear and uncertainty should never stop us from pursuing what truly matters to us. TXT taught me that growing up does not mean losing yourself. There were times in my life when I felt lost, confused, and unsure of who I was becoming. Their music reminded me that it is okay to be a work in progress. It is okay to not have all the answers. It is okay to be scared of the future while still moving forward. Through their music, I learned that some of the most beautiful things in life happen while we are still figuring ourselves out. They taught me that even during the most confusing chapters of life, there is still hope waiting ahead of us. And maybe that is why their message resonates with me so much. Because sometimes growing up feels terrifying. But TXT reminds me that there is still something beautiful waiting on the other side of that fear. And BTS taught me how to slowly learn to love myself again. One of the quotes that has stayed with me for years comes from RM: "Hear your own voice and Speak Yourself." And another: "If you want to love others, I think you should love yourself first."
Those words may sound simple, but for someone who spent years struggling with self-worth, they meant everything. When I was younger, I slowly began worrying about what other people thought of me. I started seeing myself through their eyes instead of my own. I stopped looking up at the stars the way I used to. I stopped daydreaming. I stopped allowing myself to simply exist as who I was. Instead, I tried to fit myself into expectations that other people created for me. I wore a smile almost every day and pretended everything was okay. From the outside, I looked happy, positive, and carefree. But when I was alone, it was a completely different story. The truth is that behind every smile there was pain I rarely talked about. Behind that smile was a girl who constantly questioned her own worth, who carried wounds she could not explain, and who spent years trying to become the person everyone else wanted her to be instead of the person she truly was. People often saw my smile, but very few saw the darkness I was carrying behind it. Little by little, I began shutting out my own voice and listening only to the voices around me and the voices inside my head telling me that I was not good enough, smart enough, talented enough, pretty enough, or simply that I was nobody. But even during those years, I had one sanctuary. Music. Music was the place where I could breathe. It was the one thing that made me feel understood when I could not find the words myself. Somewhere deep inside me there was always a small light and a quiet voice saying: "Wake up and be yourself." It took me a long time to hear that voice.And honestly, I am still learning. Even now, I struggle with putting myself first. I have a habit of prioritizing everyone else's feelings before my own. I worry about others before I worry about myself.I often put other people's happiness above my own well-being. My friends often tell me that my empathy and my good heart are both my greatest strength and my greatest weakness. Because while caring deeply about people is something beautiful, it can also become self-destructive when you forget to care for yourself too. One thing anxiety often does is make me feel guilty for things I should not feel guilty about. I remember when I planned my trip to Japan during winter break. Everything was booked.Everything was ready. It was supposed to be one of the happiest moments of my life because I was about to fulfill another dream. But instead of being excited, anxiety convinced me to worry. Every day I kept thinking: "Okay, everything is ready. I'm going to Japan. I'm going to have fun. I'm going to explore and make memories. But back in Poland, my parents are working hard, and here I am giving them another reason to spend money on me." I kept overthinking everything. I had panic attacks. I called my mom multiple times a day because I felt so guilty. And every single time she told me the same thing: "Don't worry about anything. Go. Enjoy yourself. Have fun. That's what parents are for. You don't need to worry about us. I'm already proud of you." Looking back now, I realize anxiety was lying to me again. Just like it lied to me before my presentation. Just like it lies to me whenever I think I'm not good enough. Another example is my grandmother's illness. Right now, I am almost 8,000 kilometers(4,800 to 4,900 miles) away from home. And of course, my anxiety immediately found a way to turn that into guilt. There are moments when I keep thinking that somehow I chose myself, my education, and my future over my family. I feel guilty for being abroad. I feel guilty for not being there. I feel guilty for continuing my life while people I love are going through something difficult. But deep down, I know the truth. None of it is my fault. I could not have predicted any of this. And realistically, what would have changed if I had stayed home? My grandmother still would have become ill. The situation still would have happened. The only difference is that I would have sacrificed my own future while carrying the same fear and worry. Yet anxiety does not care about logic. It does not care about facts. It only knows how to make you feel responsible for things that were never yours to carry in the first place. That is something I am still trying to learn: Choosing yourself is not the same thing as abandoning the people you love. Working toward your future does not mean you love your family any less. And being far away does not mean you stop caring. Also choosing yourself is not the same as being selfish. Sometimes life puts us in situations where there is no perfect choice, and all we can do is keep moving forward while carrying the people we love in our hearts. Sometimes my anxiety is so strong that even posting online makes me nervous. Whether it is K-pop communities, fandom spaces, social media, or simply joining a conversation, I often overthink everything I say. I worry that people will judge me, misunderstand me, laugh at me, or think I am annoying. Even writing a simple comment can sometimes feel terrifying. But here, it is different. This is one of the very few places where I genuinely feel comfortable being myself. I do not feel like I have to carefully filter every thought or constantly worry about being judged for being excited, emotional, passionate, or even a little chaotic. I feel accepted, I feel heard, I feel understood. And that means more than you probably realize. So thank you. Thank you for all the conversations, the laughs, the fangirling, the support, and even the random discussions that brighten my day. Thank you for creating a space where someone like me feels safe enough to speak despite the anxiety, the overthinking, and the fear of being misunderstood. Thank you for letting me be your maknae, for letting me be emotional, for letting me be a little chaotic, for letting me be myself. And maybe that is what my previous post was really about. Not just a presentation, not just anxiety. But learning, little by little, that the voice in my head is not always right. That the little girl who stopped looking at the stars can still dream. That all those years of self-doubt did not win. And that maybe I deserve the same kindness and love that I so freely give to everyone else. If you have read this far, thank you for listening to my little bit of yapping, and also I am really sorry for this really long post, I just want get a few things off my chest. I appreciate all of you more than you know. ๐
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Just Me, My Feelings, and a Little Bit of Yapping ๐
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