“Self-Love” Is a Trap 🪤

Sep '24 • General

We hear it everywhere these days: “Just love yourself.”

It’s become a mantra, a feel-good slogan that promises to fix everything from self-doubt to depression.

But what if I told you that this relentless pursuit of self-love is actually holding you back?

The problem with the way we’re taught to “love ourselves” is that it often turns into another reason to reject the parts of us we find difficult to accept.

We think, “If I could just love myself more, I wouldn’t feel so anxious, so insecure, so… broken.”

And so we plaster on positivity, force smiles, and try to smooth over the rough edges, thinking we’re doing the work.

But what we’re really doing is avoiding our shadows - those messy, raw, uncomfortable parts that don’t fit neatly into the narrative of self-love.

True growth doesn’t come from pretending to love every part of ourselves.

It comes from turning toward the darkness, those unlovable bits we’re so eager to hide away.

It’s about staring our fears, insecurities, and past mistakes in the face and saying, “I see you. I’m not going to run away.”

Real self-love includes the hard stuff.

It’s messy and painful.

It means acknowledging the parts of yourself that you’d rather not look at - the jealousy, the anger, the moments you’ve let yourself and others down.

It’s accepting that you’re a complex, imperfect being, and that those imperfections don’t make you less worthy.

They make you human.

When you stop trying so hard to love yourself and start accepting yourself - including all the parts you’d rather reject - that’s when real love has a chance to grow.

It’s not about turning darkness into light; it’s about holding them both at once, with no need to change what is.

So, if you’ve been struggling to “love yourself,” try a different approach.

Sit with your shadows.

Invite them in.

Listen to what they have to say.

They aren’t here to destroy you.

They’re here to teach you, to show you where you’re still holding back, where you’re still trying to be something you’re not.

Embracing your darkness isn’t about glorifying your pain or wallowing in negativity.

It’s about acknowledging that your pain has a place, that your scars tell a story worth listening to.

It’s about breaking free from the prison of perfection and being brave enough to be all of who you are, even the parts that scare you.

Self-love that ignores your darkness is just another form of self-rejection.

So, let’s stop trying to be whole by cutting ourselves in half.