Maybe We’ve Been Defining the W Wrong · Conversations with Catina

Catina Dachille

22d • General discussion

Maybe We’ve Been Defining the W Wrong

I’ve been thinking a lot about anger lately.

Not the quick kind—the irritation that comes and goes.

I mean the anger we carry.

The betrayal from years ago.

The person we still can’t forgive.

The thing that happened that never should have happened.

The apology we never received.

The injustice that was never made right.

And sometimes we hold onto it because letting go feels almost like saying it didn’t matter.

Or worse—it feels like they won.

Maybe that’s especially easy to understand this time of year. From Friday Night Lights to Saturday college football, Sunday NFL games and Monday Night Football, we spend practically the whole weekend watching a scoreboard.

Somebody gets the W. Somebody gets the L.

And somewhere along the way, I think we started keeping score in our relationships that way too.

If I forgive them, they win.

If I stop being angry, they got away with it.

If I let this go, somehow I lose.

But maybe we’ve been defining the W wrong.

Because forgiveness isn’t saying what happened was okay.

It doesn’t mean reconciliation. It doesn’t mean removing boundaries, forgetting what happened, or allowing someone access to you again.

Sometimes forgiveness simply means:

I am no longer willing to let what you did continue living inside of me.

I’ve been reading a lot lately about the connection between our emotional and physical lives. And while I would never say one emotion causes one particular illness, I do believe our bodies carry more of our stories than we sometimes realize.

Stress has a cost.

Bitterness has a cost.

Living every day in fight-or-flight has a cost.

And recently I heard a woman who had experienced unimaginable loss explain something that stopped me.

The grief couldn’t be fixed.

She had to feel it.

Walk through it.

Live with the fact that something precious had been taken from her.

But the anger?

Eventually, she realized she could do something with that.

She reached a point where she prayed, essentially, God, I can’t do this by myself. If I’m ever going to forgive these people, You’re going to have to help me.

And little by little, she did.

Not because the people who hurt her suddenly deserved forgiveness.

Because she deserved peace.

Maybe that is the win.

The person you’re angry with may be sleeping perfectly well tonight while you’re still replaying the conversation, arguing with them in your head, carrying what happened into your sleep, your relationships and your everyday life.

So maybe winning isn’t making sure they pay forever.

Maybe the win is finally realizing you don’t have to keep paying for it yourself.

Maybe the W is getting yourself back.

Your peace.

Your energy.

Your joy.

Your ability to move forward.

Forgiveness isn’t letting them win.

You win when what they did no longer gets to control your life.

And if you aren’t there yet, that’s okay.

Maybe the first step isn’t I forgive you.

Maybe it’s simply: