8d • General discussion
Living in the After
I feel like I am entering a scary era of my life.
I don’t know exactly when it started, or if there was one defining moment, but lately everything feels heavier. Maybe it’s because I lost my son — a loss so deep it split my life into a before and an after. A loss that never made sense and still doesn’t. Someone who should still be here. Someone who was supposed to grow, laugh, age, and outlive me.
Since losing him, death feels closer. Louder. More present. Like it’s standing just behind me, reminding me how fragile everything really is.
I’ve lost my grandma, my grandpa, my dad. I just lost an uncle. And now one of my best friends — someone I’ve loved for over twenty years — is fighting cancer, the hardest battle of her life. Watching someone you love walk into a fight you can’t fight for them is its own kind of heartbreak. It brings up every fear you try to keep buried just so you can function.
Sometimes it feels like half my life is already gone. Like the people who shaped me, grounded me, loved me into who I am, are slowly slipping away one by one. And I’m left standing here, trying to be strong, trying to keep going, trying not to live in constant fear of who I might lose next.
Grief has changed the way I see time. The future doesn’t feel wide open anymore — it feels fragile. Borrowed. Every goodbye feels heavier. Every phone call makes my heart pause for just a second too long.
I know loss is part of life. I know everyone goes through it. But knowing that doesn’t make it easier. It doesn’t make it hurt less. Especially when you’ve already lost the person you were never supposed to lose first.
Some days I feel brave. Other days I feel like a scared child, holding onto the people I love as tightly as I can, silently begging the universe to please let them stay a little longer.
This era feels terrifying — not because I’m weak, but because I’ve already learned how much it hurts to lose. And once you know that pain, you carry it with you into every relationship, every moment, every hope for the future.
I don’t know how this chapter will unfold. I don’t know what else I will have to endure. But I do know this: I am still here. Loving deeply. Feeling everything. And even in fear and grief, I am choosing to keep going.
Maybe this era isn’t just about loss.
Maybe it’s about learning how to live while carrying it.
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Living in the After
