Day 17 (day 3 of healing journal) · AMP: The Artist Master Plan

16d (edited) • 1000 Fan Machine — Day Tasks

Day 17 (day 3 of healing journal)

Yup! I needed this too. There were a few pain points that almost broke me up...but since I already know the outcome of those moments, all it did was expose to myself where it still hurts, and I can write from those points. It's still hard to remember the areas where I once hurt, because I'm healed...I can only write from the intellectual side of it, but I want the FEELING...uh oh, the onion is getting peeled.

Dear Nathaniel,

I want to tell you about those thoughts you keep rehearsing in your head about the violent things you want to do. torture and murder does not become you. That’s not who you are going to grow up to be. Eventually, you will find the path that will lead you to the destiny that you conceived in your head about making music and singing to people. The path will be a long and bumpy road. You will experience joy and you will experience more pain that most people couldn't handle. In fact, the thoughts are going to become more intrusive and violent. There will be a time where you will have the means to execute the things you think about doing. There may even be people who will do you wrong that you make feel justified in doing what you are thinking about doing, including your own family…but you will also find a savior who will speak to you and reel you back in. You are going have quite an experience along your path that will be filled with more good memories than bad ones.

You will travel the world, and work many jobs, meet many people, and have many friends. You will experience love and heartbreak, and even have a wife and children. You will own property, you will graduate college and be successful. You will be a respected pillar in your community, though may secretly hate you. Watch your back. You will see lots of changes around the neighborhood so prepare for things to look different. You will learn your craft and really become the star that you think you already are. Oh, and the way you stare in the mirror and break up your face, it’s going to help you find your emotions that you will create from, but you already know that part because you said it to yourself already. That’s what I’m trying to get you to understand, your instincts are prophetic. The pictures of cars and clothes and homes that you draw, the stories you write, the ideas you have…they will all manifest into the world years later, and it will be a sign to you that you are anointed by God to see things before they happen.

The nightmares that scare you now, you can make into a movie. You will be braver and stronger than you can imagine. People will not call you ugly anymore. People will never believe that you were ever poor. You will not be singled out for looking mixed, but on the contrary, you will grow into your unusual look. Trust me, you will never have a problem getting a girlfriend, but don’t just follow looks. Go for the girl that treats you with respect and don’t ever accept anything less.

No, you will not grow up to be any of the things that people say about you. You will not be a criminal. You will not be a thief forever. Your long hair and light skin does not make you look like a sissy. You do not and will not look like a girl. You will not die from falling from a high building like you keep imagining when you are falling asleep. You will not be haunted and tormented by demons creeping outside your window and your door at night. You will not have to hide from the world like a hermit, and you will stop thinking about killing yourself. You will not be scared of the dark anymore. People will actually be scared of you, not because you are evil, but because of your light, which means you will always be different, and that will intimidate some people.

You will not act on any of the dark thoughts that pass through your mind…You won’t hunt people, rape, or murder anyone. God will take over your mind, and bring all of those thoughts into captivity. You’ll learn that other people project their thoughts onto you. Do not let them stick! You are not the devil, but pay close attention to those who call you that, you’re going to see that it’s really in them. No you won’t be perfect, but it doesn’t matter. We’re not aiming for perfection, we’re only aiming at your best effort towards obedience to God. There’s grace.

Many of the peers you know now, you will still know them for the rest of your life. Some of the relationships may change, but they’ll always be within your reach. Your relationship with your brothers might change some, but make sure you stay being the brother to them that you are now. Everyone who knows you will utter words of respect to you because your valor will be undeniable….however, don’t rely on that, because some of your biggest achievements will be done when nobody is looking. Just keeping pressing forward.

You will outlive many of your peers. Some of your family will not live to see you reach your apex, not even mommy or daddy. But you will not be relying on them anymore at that point. They will rely on you. You will be their covering. Forgive everyone. You will learn to forgive your mother. Thay day she smeared your own shit in your face was due to her own internal demons plus psychological issues. It’s not your fault what happened. Forgive your father, he never met anyone like you before, and raising you was on the job training. Afterall, you are an anomaly and you made yourself hard to understand. Your father will continue to love you through all of your phases and he will request YOU to officiate his funeral when he dies.

You will learn to put things in a perspective that allows you to heal from those internal wounds that feel like you are being cut with a razor blade from the inside. Lean to forgive, man. There is a purpose for everything you will go through; the good, the bad and the ugly,...even the problems you caused. Yes, you know you enjoyed being bad too. God will forgive you. You will one day be called by God to help others. So your path will be a training ground to better equip you for the people God will send into your fold. Trust the process, and do not let go of the vision. I know you think it’s supposed to happen now, but no…you will not be the next child star, but God will work it to where you will get the same satisfaction as though you were. Watch and see. You will be older and wise…like a sage for your generation and the generation behind you by the time you experience any real success in this music game. You have your music heroes that you look up to now, Prince, Michael Jackson, Quincy Jones, but they will eventually die off, and you will become someone else’s hero.

Now stop entertaining those dark thoughts…being bad does not make you cool, and no you will not be a gangster. You will get that desire out of your system as soon as I take you out of your environment and expose you to life outside of the hood. I’ll show you a lifestyle that you see the millionaires on t.v. live, and you can have it. Your gangster will be found in God’s light and you will be so untouchable to your enemies. Doesn’t that sound better? No it’s not magic. It’s not witchcraft. Stop looking for a genie in a bottle, and no there are no wizards you can go visit. The devil will, however, try to creep in and tempt you to manipulate God’s order so you can get what you want faster. Don’t take the bait…Just do it God’s way and put in the work!

LOVE,

Your Adult Self

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Day 17 (day 3 of healing journal)