Last week I celebrated my 50th. Birthdays have never been a huge event for me. Another day. Nice dinner, maybe a few presents from my family. Then it's over, no worries. I think there was some external factors with work, my physical state (lack of sleep), but the day was off and I didn't feel right. The morning started with our local Expanse face to face meetup with @Jared Johnson and @Chance Lundgren . Good discussions as always. Afterwards I hung back with Jared. We talked a bit. I decided I needed a massage to try to unwind and he called around and got one booked for me. That was amazing and thanks to Jared for making that happen. I went to lunch with my 2 brothers. Came home and pretty much just chilled with my family . I wasn't feeling great so we ended up not going out, just watching some movies with my wife and kids. My wife had asked that morning what I wanted to do for my bday and I just said "for noone to demand or need things from me" it was said with a little sarcasm, but was the honest truth. That was Friday. The weekend was pretty calm, just hanging out with the family. My mother-in-law came for a nice Easter dinner. Not even sure what I'm sharing here other than I wanted to acknowledge @Jared Johnson for pushing me to just go do what felt right in the moment. I don't really understand why the day felt so heavy (and still not sure). I think there's some frustration and anger around where I expected and thought life would look a lot different at 50 than it does. I am often torn between doing what I want vs what's expected. I know if I get really poor sleep it can send my emotions haywire, but is that just because I'm really tired? Or is it because if I'm not tired I can more effectively suppress those emotions? And yes, I'm open to anything anyone wants to throw at me ๐.